Be Liked or Be Respected

For a long time, I thought being liked at work was a good proxy for doing well. People responded quickly and meetings felt easy. There was very little visible friction and I rarely walked out of a conversation thinking something could have gone badly. At that stage, it felt like progress.

I found myself saying yes often. I tried to accommodate different views and keep conversations comfortable. If something needed to be said but had the potential to create discomfort, I would usually find a softer way to say it. Sometimes I would avoid saying it altogether. It came from a good place, but it also made me predictable.

And to be fair, it worked. I was easy to work with and people around me were open. Teams were comfortable looping me into discussions. There was a sense of flow in most interactions, and I rarely had to deal with visible resistance.

But over time, a different pattern started to show up. Some of the more difficult conversations were happening without me. These were the moments during meetings, where trade-offs were real, and where someone had to take a position that not everyone would agree with. I was still involved, but not always at the point where it mattered most.

It was uncomfortable because nothing was visibly wrong. There were no complaints, no conflict, no escalation. If anything, things felt smooth.

At some point, I had to ask myself a question I had been avoiding. Was I being valued for my thinking, or for the ease I brought into the room? There is a difference, and it is not always obvious when you are in it.

Being liked often comes from making interactions comfortable. You reduce tension, you keep conversations flowing, and you avoid unnecessary friction. Being respected comes from clarity, and by saying what needs to be said even when it disrupts the flow. It comes from taking positions when others are still weighing options and being willing to sit with the discomfort that follows.

The shift from one to the other only comes by being able to read the room and act with clarity. For example: The first time you push back on a senior stakeholder instead of aligning quickly. The first time you give direct feedback to someone who is used to hearing things in a softer tone. The first time you say no and resist the urge to immediately soften it with a long explanation.

None of these feel natural at first. In fact, they often feel like you are doing something wrong. You can sense the change in the room. Conversations pause a little longer. Reactions are not as predictable. You may even feel a slight drop in how easy your day feels.

For a while, it can look like you have made things harder for yourself. Some people will like you less, or at least they will find you less comfortable to work with. That part is real, and it takes some getting used to.

What is less visible in the beginning is what you gain. Over time, you start getting pulled into a different set of conversations. Not the easy ones, but the important ones. The ones where there is no clear answer, where the cost of getting it wrong is high, and where people are looking for someone to take a view, not just facilitate one.

Looking back, I do not think the answer is to swing completely to one side. Being respected without any level of approachability creates a different problem. People stop opening up, feedback becomes filtered, and the environment becomes guarded.

At the same time, staying in the space of being liked, especially as you move into leadership roles, has its own ceiling. You remain involved, but not central.

The balance between the two is not fixed. It shifts with context, with roles, and sometimes even with the specific people you are working with. But the awareness of that balance is what changes how you show up. You start noticing when you are softening a point unnecessarily. You catch yourself when you are saying yes just to keep things smooth. You become more deliberate about when to hold your ground.

None of this makes work easier in the short term. In fact, it often does the opposite. But over time, it changes the kind of work you get to be part of and how seriously your voice is taken when it matters.

If there is one thing I have learnt, it is this. Being liked makes the day easier. Being respected makes the work count.